Today I’m okay. Actually I’m more than okay. I’m almost off all my medication and I’m doing really good. I’m 100% recovered. I’ve been feeling myself for about 3 months now. I still can’t really believe it. I don’t think my loved ones can either. I gave one of my best friends a little squeeze and a kiss on the head the other weekend and she teared up and said to me “you’re back aren’t you.”
And, this is mad, I’m grateful for what happened to me. I’m even more me than before. It’s like I had to go to the deepest darkest place inside myself to find myself again. Urgh that sounds so corny and not even the right language to describe it. It’s hard not to get all hippy dippy and cliche here especially when I say this…
F*** life is hard and I mean we don’t even have 1% of the hardest lives people experience in this world. None of us are following a life rule book are we. I kind of thought I had it all figured out and then bam life was like nah ah honey.
Why did I share this. Because of all the random crap that we share nowadays, why not this. I’m not going to box this up and put it away in a deep corner of my mind to try to forget. I’m not ashamed. I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve, that’s how this “following” started for me years ago when I first started my blog and wrote from the heart about my experience at ballet school.
It then all got a bit mad and somehow I ended up travelling the world and working for brands. That’s another thing why I’m grateful for this happening to me. I was given the chance to take a step back and look at my life and ask myself… did I even choose this? That life wasn’t me and don’t think it ever was. I’m perfectly utterly happy teaching people Pilates, working for my friends which I’m so lucky to do now and having time to read my book most afternoons in a coffee shop.
I don’t think I’ll ever get a definitive answer or reason as to why this happened. How my mind kind of betrayed me and so suddenly. There’s certain factors that perhaps played their part like past trauma, high stress levels, being a very scared child. But who doesn’t have “issues”. Why did it manifest in such a severe way. I’ve let go of that.
And I don’t think I’ll ever really know why I got better or actually maybe I do but that’s an answer that has no science to back it up. Yes the medication helped get me to a bearable frame of mind but then what. People’s hopes, prayers and thoughts to the universe. God. Love. Faith. The experts I’ve seen with 10 years studying the human brain can’t even answer that one for me. You have to answer that for yourself.